A day as a solo mother

The Hubby sailed to Alaska on Tuesday morning, so I am alone with the kids and a temporary live-out nanny for the month. (for those of you who don't know me in real life, we have had child care hell the past few months. I can't get into it here for many reasons, including legal ones.)

People often say, "I don't know how you do it." Well, let me tell you! Here's what happened today.

5:30 am: Alarm goes off so I can get up and exercise. Toddler N. wakes up at the sound, demanding baba. I'll just nurse her for a few minutes in my bed and then sneak downstairs to do my Pilates....

6:55 am: Dang, dang, dang.

7:00 am: Shower, dress and blow dry.

7:20 am: Head to the kitchen, empty dishwasher, plug in kettle for children's oatmeal.

7:40 am: Go and wake sleepy heads. Convince boys to get dressed ("No, Big I., your penis is not supposed to stick out of the underwear hole. Put it back in. Now.")

7:45 am: Change Toddler N.'s diaper, convince her to sit still so I can put her hair in a ponytail. Give up trying to put her in shorts and cede to her demand for a "pwincess dwess."

7:50 am: Breakfast for the kids while I desperately brush teeth and throw on makeup.

7:55 am: Nanny arrives on time, like clockwork. Realize we have no bread.

8:00 am: Tear out of the driveway in minivan to the corner store for bread, head back home, drop off bread. Kiss oatmeal-eating children. Deal with last-minute Big I. tantrum. Run out door at 8:15 am.

8:38 am: Arrive at work after taking every shortcut I can think of. Still have not eaten breakfast.

9:45 am: Sneak down to the Starbucks for a low-calorie, high-fibre smoothie (4 Weight Watchers Points.) Ask for a shot of espresso in smoothie (o WW points.) Pick up cup by lid and drop it on floor.

9:50 am: Starbucks barista remakes smoothie (with double shot now) for free while I sponge smoothie off myself and another 'Bucks worker mops the floor.

10:00 am: Think about lunchtime. Continue writing news releases.

noon: Go out to lunch with office staff, have a salad (yeah me, on diet!) and have a great time. Also drink a cosmo (bad girl, alcohol at noon.)

4:40 pm: After quiet day at office, run like mad thing toward parking garage. Wish I was riding my bike but takes too long.

5:15 pm: Arrive at home, receive hugs, kisses and nanny debrief.

5:30: Start cooking supper while trying to load washer and listen to kids talk about their day.

6 pm: Supper of low-fat burgers and veggies with dip. Kids actually eat everything served, including vegetables. Sit in stunned silence.

6:45 pm: After kitchen clean-up, brave the grocery store with all three kids. "I., don't sit on the bread. A., come back here and stop flapping your arms and head around [Someone is going to think there's something wrong with him, heck sometimes I wonder.] N., Bella [her doll] does not need her own cookie; share yours. I., you need to pee again???")

7:45 pm: Arrive home, chat with neighbours, put away groceries. Catch N. eating cookies out of one of the bags, shrug and let her.

8:25 pm: Clean-up of bedrooms and living room; kids actually help!

8:35 pm: Bedlunch.

8:45 pm: Send them upstairs to brush teeth while I prise Cheerios off the floor. Wonder why cereal bonds with hardwood on contact.

8:55 pm: Find kids brushing teeth instead of fighting as expected. Hug them all, help them finish.

9 pm: A full hour after bedtime, put the boys in bed, tell story about Daddy sailing, say prayers, turn out light, turn on music.

9:15 pm: Prepare for Toddler N.'s bedtime showdown, and am shocked when she asks for baba. She falls asleep nursing, an almost unheard-of occurrence lately.

9:30 pm: Sink into office chair and drink Coke Zero.

So there you have it, an easy day when Hubby is sailing. You don't want to know about the ones when I end the day sobbing and begging the two-year-old to go to sleep. Feel free to send wine, though.

On crises and desert times

When the Hubby and I planned our escape from the Great White North, we expected life to change, and change a great deal. What we didn't expect from our first year of southern living was a year full of illness, intense stress, disillusionment and crises of faith. But that's what we got.

The kids were hospitalized twice.

I couldn't get a job in journalism to save my life, despite eight years with the Mother Corp. and the statue in the living room.

My grandmother almost died, and I had to take a trip home I couldn't afford, at Christmastime, paid for by my mother-in-law (bless you, N.) so I could say good-bye. Thank God she lived.

I took a job doing something I always said I'd never do, simply to pay our student loans. We went through three sitters in five months. We are still waiting for our permanent nanny, five months later. (For new readers: a live-in nanny is a lot cheaper than day care when you have three kids.)

I had the worst Valentines Day, birthday, Easter and Mother's Day of my life.

As a family, we have struggled to attend Mass, and I have struggled with my prayer life and my faith. I feel very far from God lately, and I know I'm the one who put the distance there.

As a consequence of all this, my marriage has suffered. Nothing terribly serious, but something we need to work on.

There are many bright spots in all this.

A. has learned to ride a bike with no training wheels. His four front teeth have all fallen out, and his adult teeth are coming in nicely. He can read, which forever amazes me.

Big I. is no longer Little. He is a brown, sturdy, upright little man who has an incredible imagination and a lively wit.

Toddler N. is almost two, has about 150 words and is the most stubborn child on the planet. Her head is a mass of strawberry blonde curls. She loves to sing.

The Hubby 's training is going well and he is enjoying life in the military. He still has that zany sense of humour, and is well-liked at his latest assignment.

I like my co-workers very much and can live with the work I'm doing, but I know I am not doing what I am meant to do in life. To quote Stevie Cameron: "All I have ever been, all I have ever wanted to be, is a reporter." So I continue with this work because it pays the bills, and dream of a time when I might steal a few hours here and there to sell the odd article, to build my reputation here and get away from the Dark Side.

I have also been thinking about my other passion, health, and wondering if I have a future there, wondering how old is too old for medical school. I can't even think of going until the kids are all in high school or beyond, so perhaps it will never be anything more than a dream. But I know I could do it; I was always a straight-A student, and nothing can gross me out too much anymore, not after all the IV needles and vomit I've endured. I might puke, but I wouldn't pass out.

My parents are coming to visit this week. My dad hasn't seen the boys since Isaac was a baby. He and the kids have been plotting days filled with ice cream and beaches and parks.

So I sit, halfway through 2008, and ask myself to consider my blessings rather than dwelling on all these hard times. This is what I come up with:

1. The kids are healthy and whole.
2. My husband loves me and I love him.
3. My parents, in-laws and grandparents are well.
4. My friend E. had her first son (yaaaayyy) and my friend S. is expecting her first daughter any day.
5. I've only gained back 10 pounds of the 30 I'd lost since I switched from stroller-pushing to a desk job, and I've maintained that weight for five very hard months. (Hey, you can't know how incredibly happy I am to still be in single digit sizes!)
6. My faith is based on logic rather than feelings (or I don't think I'd have any left!)
7. A house, food, clothing and beer in the fridge.

M4 W3 D3: Size eight and other amazing moments

On Monday's weigh-in, I met a new weight-loss goal: 20 pounds lost. Whoopeee! My reward to me is some new clothes, so Baby N. and I went shopping this morning while the boys hung out at the MFRC.

Having lost 20, I expected to go down in size. However, I was realistic: I'd been squeezing myself into size 13/14 pants and XL shirts before Weight Watchers. I expected to be a size 10 and a L shirt, and I was very excited about that.

I arrived at Reitman's (the only decent store in town that caters to women who are not teenagers, whippet thin and/or rich) and picked a bunch of size 10s and L shirts off the racks.

I tried on a large T-shirt and size 10 jeans, very excitedly noticing how easily they zipped. I looked in the mirror. The jeans were TOO BIG. So was the shirt.

I started to cry a little bit. The saleslady asked if I was okay. I turned to her and said, "I have been overweight since I was 19 years old. I started WW 2 months ago and have lost 20 lbs. This is the first time I've bought clothes and a 10 is too big."

She looked at me, smiled and said, "I knew the 10 and the large were too big when I hung them for you. I was wondering why you chose them. You still see the old you, but honey, I see you as you are, and you are a size 8 and a medium shirt."

I cried a bit more, and she gave me a big hug and went looking for clothes in the right sizes.

I bought two pairs of size 8 jeans and five size medium shirts. They all fit perfectly.

I was hoping I'd hit a size 8 at the end of my journey. Looks like I will really be a 6/7. I haven't worn those sizes since high school.

I came home and calculated my body mass index, or BMI. It's 25, which is the highest end of "normal, healthy weight."

I am no longer obese. I am no longer even overweight. I am NORMAL.

I am in shock.

*************************************

There is some very exciting stuff happening on the Big Move front, but I can't say anything about it until tomorrow night. Things will be more final then.

Hubby is in Victoria, busting his butt to get himself settled and our nest ready. More info tomorrow night!

M4 W2 D5: The me underneath

I was having a laundry crisis this morning, something that now happens with regularity since I am too fat for my skinny jeans, but too thin for all my other pants. I finally located a pair of pants that stay up with the aid of a belt but don't look like clown trousers.

I started searching for a clean shirt, soon realizing all I had clean were sweaters too warm for the weather. I opened my closet and started digging. All I could find was a "peek-a-boo" blouse: a blouse that I can button up, but which gapes between the buttonholes at the bust.

I sighed and put it on. Another frump day, I thought. Then I looked in the mirror.

The blouse no longer gaped at the bust. In fact, it fit perfectly.

Losing weight has been strange. When I look in the mirror undressed, I see very little difference. But my clothes tell a different story. My clothes say I AM 10 per cent lighter than I was 7 weeks ago.

16.5 lbs gone. 16.5 lbs to go.

M4 W1 D6: Beyond three months

I have now been alone with my kidlets for more than three. stinking. months.

THREE CALENDAR MONTHS! (Bangs head on keyboard)

Ok, ok, I'm ok now.

Mom and dad, don't read this part: I haven't had sex in three months! I want my husband back!

Lots has happened lately, so I'll give you a list:

• Spring has finally come to Yellowknife. The boys and I have been wearing our funky rubber boots all over town.
• Baby N. has graduated to a rear-facing large car seat, and is out of the baby bucket. Sigh.
• My darling father-in-law called the other day and offered to pay the cost of sending the children and I to the Hubby's graduation. I soooo want to go, but can't imagine surviving the trip. Plus, Hubby flies out to Esquimalt the very next day. So not worth it. But B., that was such an incredibly kind offer! You are so thoughtful.
• A. has discovered the wonders of big, fancy words. I love to hear him say "gigantic" and "discovery". I did that as a kid. Anyone remember "hilarious"?
• I have lost 15 lbs on Weight Watchers. Hooray! 15 to go.
• Baby N. is crawling well and is now pulling up on her knees. Video coming soon.

M3 W3 D2: Random weekend musings

• I took A. and Little I. to Caribou Carnival this weekend, and forgot my camera. But it was all right, since: a. Little I. slept in the Chariot the entire time, waking only for cotton candy; b. there was NOTHING to do for kids this year (no children's area); and c. I was much too busy eating le tire d'erable (maple sugar taffy) to take pictures.
• My fourth weigh-in for Weight Watchers is tomorrow. My last weigh-in was 152 lbs. That's 11 pounds gone. But I had an extremely bad WW week, so I'm simply hoping I maintain my weight. Having sick kids pushed me right back into some of my old eating habits. I'm just gonna dust myself off and keep trying.
• I have a confession. I have been secretly reading a blog of another Yellowknife mom for quite some time. I just wanted to say, Other Mom, that I know you read here because you've linked to me (thanks!), and I think you're a funny and perceptive writer. I think we share the same sense of humour. We should do coffee sometime, if we can find some time away from our combo of six kids. More mom friends are good.
• My friend E.'s grandmother fell and broke some bones. Praying types, get out those rosaries! Thanks.

M3 W1 D3: Just can't compose a post

I dealt with business taxes tonight, and everything I want to say is either unkind or much too melodramatic. So I will say only this: I miss the good money I used to make and how, at one point, my debt load was shrinking quickly and efficiently.

I remember when tax return season meant another student loan gone forever. Not anymore.

The Hubby better not be sailing during next tax season.

PS. Today was weigh-in day. I lost another 2.5 pounds! Total loss: 7.5 lbs

M2 W4 D5: Half-way point

Today marks the exact centre of my journey into solo parenthood, and The Hubby's basic training. There are many things I'd like to write about; I could fill several pages. But for the sake of brevity, I'll only give you a few:

• I am amazed at how good and kind and caring the people around us truly are. I thank God every single day for such wonderful friends. I also thank Him for the opportunity to rediscover that.
• I'm getting through this day by day. Some days I don't do well. Others I do amazingly well, and my home and children just seem to sing with order and cleanliness and happiness. The bad days often outnumber the amazing ones, however.
• Busy and hectic as it is, I've discovered this time is a great time to work on myself and to do some small things for me. I don't think I could have started Weight Watchers with Hubby here, although I don't know why. He would have been supportive. I just think I need to start this on my own.
• My children are adjusting as best as little ones can to essentially losing a parent for a quarter of a year. I am mostly proud of them, but that pride is well mixed with exasperation most days.
• Baby N. is so cute I want to eat her! Except now she's discovered roaring like a lion gets everyone to run to her to see what's the matter. She laughs now after she does it. Drama queen.
• Although my mother is an entire country away, she is still my rock. Thanks, Mom.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me strength one minute at a time, one day at a time. Seven and a half weeks down. Seven and a half weeks to go.

PS. By the way, the Dr. Phil show will be airing an entire segment on hyperemesis gravidarum, or HG, sometime in the next three weeks. Stay tuned to find out the exact date.

M2 W4 D3: Beginning of success

Today was my first weigh-in day. I lost 5 pounds!!! Can't think of a better motivation to continue.

I'm feeling much better mentally, too. The boys behaved very well at Mass yesterday, then they spent the afternoon at Grandma G.'s. It was sunny and cold; I took Baby N. out in the Chariot stroller, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets, and went for a long walk. I was even able to shovel my driveway.

Off to make breakfast. Lalala!

M2 W4 D1: A period of calm

Things seem to be on an even keel around here for a change. The children are behaving much better than last week (especially last weekend, when A. threw a giant tantrum at a friend's house).

The boys are asleep by 8:30 every night, and up at 6:30 every morning. The early rise is tiring but it's worth it. I enjoy having a few hours to myself in the evenings. It helps me unwind, even when I'm doing chores.

Baby N. is learning all sorts of new things lately. She can clap her hands, and has started to creep forwards rather than backwards. She is also starting to try to get up on her hands and knees. I have video of that; I will post it shortly.

My diet is going well, too. I weighed myself yesterday morning after I dreamed I had gained weight (couldn't resist some reassurance after that!) I had already lost 3.5 pounds. My official "weigh-in" is on Monday morning. I often find I'm hungry, but I am eating very balanced meals. I think the hunger is due to my stomach not having shrunk yet. At least, that's what I'm hoping.

I'm totally addicted to the online Points Tracker at Weight Watchers. It's like a new toy! Some things I've learned:

• McDonald's food is NOT worth the points. I have 32 points in a day. A McDonald's hamburger cost me 5 the other day. A Big Mac would cost 12! A medium fries is 10! That's most of a day's worth of calories. And you're hungry an hour later. No thanks.
• Every type of lettuce costs 0 points. I'm eating lots of lettuce.
• I was eating enormous portions at every meal and every time I had a 16 oz. glass of milk. No wonder I couldn't lose weight.
• You get to eat more if you exercise. So I'm going to go do my Pilates video.

Eight weeks until The Hubby finishes his training. Almost halfway there.

M2 W3 D5: Weight Watching

That's it. I've had enough of being fat. I've joined Weight Watchers.

I suppose an explanation is in order. First off, you need to know the background. I was a thin child and a thin teenager. I stand about 5'3". In high school, I weighed about 115 to 120 pounds. I wore a size 6 to 8. And I ate and drank whatever I wanted while doing little physical exercise.

Then I went to university. Between Freshman 15, birth control pills (worst idea I EVER had!), overeating and a metabolic change, I put on 50 to 60 pounds in 4 years. It was completely depressing.

After I had A., I lost 30 of those pounds. But they've been steadily creeping back ever since my pregnancy with Little I.. I have no extra weight from the pregnancy with N., since the HG made sure everything I did eventually gain was water and baby and placenta.

On Sunday, the Hubby managed to get to a computer with a webcam at basic training. Let me tell you, he looks HOT! He hasn't looked this ripped and lean since high school. (I know exactly what he looked like in high school because we started dating at 17.) GO, HUBBY, GO!

I, however, do not look anything like I did in high school. I know I never will: three pregnancies and three rounds of breastfeeding in five years have an undeniable impact on the body. Heck, even the Cesarean scar is going to affect how I carry weight around my middle for the rest of my life. I'm never going to be a teenager again, nor would I trade my kiddos for the chance.

But I want to look better than I do now. I want to look like me again. I want to be able to find clothes that fit. I want to feel strong and healthy and in control of my eating habits. I want to fit into my "skinny jeans" I bought after I shed all that weight with A!

Two days in, and I'm doing all right. I don't feel deprived. I'm allowed the occasional indulgence. And I'm learning a lot about portion control.

Maybe Hot Hubby will come home to Somewhat Hot Wife. (NB: The Hubby loves me just the way I am, and I know it. Heck, he loves my body best when I'm pregnant! This is for me.)

PS. The doctor says my infection is gone. Here's hoping she's right.